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Life

on the cyclical nature of my own unbecoming

Needless to say, it’s been a whole month since the last post, and things haven’t improved.

Actually, it’s been worse — I’ve been stuck in a cycle of being angry, being angry at myself for being angry, and wishing I could take all the lessons of stoicism and Taoism and let it go like water’s off a duck’s back. Instead, I replay conversations and interactions, over-think as I am wont to do, and end up feeling more indignant and helpless than moments before.

To wit: I think the burnout is super real, y’all.

I’m also not sure what is fun for me, anymore. More to figure out when I have some free time, I think.

Either way. I want to be better and I want to do better by myself. Using my own personal laptop for the first time in the past month should hopefully help. Then the week comes by, and I find myself staring at my work laptop screen from 8 in the morning til midnight, and if the ‘work async, not ASAP’ sticker that I keep as a reminder had eyes, it would be my favorite monkey puppet meme.

the passage of time

  • Life

Time almost feels a little meaningless right now.

It has been—

—more than two years since the pandemic started.

—28 years since my first fully-formed memory (of my father waking me up in a cab)

—2 days since I zoned out and dissociated while I was taking the train, that I don’t remember when and how I got through the motion of tapping when when I got out of the station, until I was halfway on my bus ride

—24 days since I last wrote an entry

—4 months, roughly, since my official diagnosis of what the fuck’s up with my back

—2 years and 10 months since the last time I was out of the country

—2 weeks since I got my new passport

—Many, many months since I’ve focused on reading

Anyway. Work has ramped up to be completely wild, yet again. I wistfully read articles about people quietly quitting, knowing I’m the opposite of that.

Life goes.

points of view

(Inspired by Brianna Wiest’s 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think)

  1. You’re still functional — physically, at least. You can walk and you can sit, and you can shrug off the pain when it gets a little too much.
  2. You hold on to your values, even when it’s easier to just go with the path of least resistance. You can be proud of who you are.
  3. Work is tough, and some days it’s annoying, but so many people would love to be doing what you do.
  4. You earn enough to live comfortably, to go where you want and eat what you desire; enough to live on your own terms.
  5. You’re allowed to think and ponder about what living on your own terms mean, and know that even though life isn’t ideal or where you’d thought it would be, it’s still a journey to get to where you envision it to be.
  6. You have the weekend to decompress, even if decompressing means losing track of time as you doom-scroll through Reddit.
  7. You just spent a good hour preparing for your lunches in the week ahead, and that is going to help with keeping track of actually eating lunch, which is something that has been a miss for so much of the last two years.
  8. You have comfort shows and movies that you can dive back into; an embrace into a familiarity that makes your brain feel happy.
  9. You have amazing friends. Quality > quantity, especially in this case.
  10. You think about all the different ways to get better, and to be better. You might fail and stumble along the way, but you’re still trying. You’re figuring it out. You’re still here.

When life gives you different-timezone-flavored lemons…

Look at me, a whole month ago, breaking down and analyzing my “new” routine at work, without realizing that all of that was going to get slightly upended when I got staffed on a project based out of the UK.

Needless to say, I did not do very well with the whole work-life balance or integration part of things. Working with the team that is 7 hours behind me meant that theoretically, I should be starting my day way later, but I was consistently pulling 14+ hours during the past month, and readers… It was no fun.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I find myself reminding other people on my team to take breaks, push back, and say no to things. I know I haven’t yet mastered (or even grasped, honestly) that yet for myself, and it’s definitely something I have to work on.

Anyway, now that the hell month is over, I should re-prioritize my life again. I know that writing this weekly makes me happy, but I’m also (constantly) fretting about what the Purpose™  and value of this all is.

I want to talk about productivity and habits and personal finance and minimalism and, and, and, but it is a field that is super saturated — though I do have my own personal spin on things, but fundamentals remain that. I want to be better at focusing on the craft of writing, and on long-form essays, and that is a muscle that I’m not always using. I want to start thinking about writing original fiction again, and doing that. I want to dabble in creating for other mediums (podcast? video? social media?), and becoming more of an expert in those things.

Lots of wants in my life, and not so much time or energy to be doing those!

(P.S. On Sunday I fell flat on my face, nearly, and hurt my elbow trying to do an ab wheel exercise that my physio is making me do, so that’s a nice little bow to the end of the work week.)