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cruise control

  • Life

I’ve been in cruise control for at least the past two to three weeks, ever since the mystery of my back aches has been solved.

(Well, at least the what; the jury is still out on why and how.)

Calling it cruise control might be a misnomer, now that I’m thinking about it – it implies that I’m going at the same speed as I’ve been, and maybe I’m… slowing down? Coming to a halt?

It reflects quite a bit in my daily routines, too:

  • I’ve failed to log my gratitude one-liner every morning;
  • My journal entry every night are sometimes one-liners now, often snarky (sometimes a clown emoji, actually);
  • While I’m eating okay for lunch (thank you, meal prep), when I return to the office a couple of days a week, I’m eating like I don’t have a really low resting metabolic rate;
  • I don’t drink coffee every morning because I find myself too lazy to grind the beans, then make the coffee;
  • I’m not engaging as much as I usually do in my group chats;
  • I’m probably forgetting the rest, because of Point #2.

I’m definitely grumpier and have less energy to care, on the work front too. This is bad especially as my team has been losing people left and right, and there are things that I should and could be doing, but I’m not doing that fast enough.

I guess, too, that my Toxic™  trait of equating productivity = good (and therefore, non-productivity = bad) is doing something to my brain. More to unpack at another time, I think.

So: Is this burnout? Is this just a matter of finding my focus? I don’t know if I’m excited to find out.

(Look at me dialling this post in, too. I keep telling myself to write more long-form stuff, but I definitely don’t have the mental capacity to do that right now.)

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